Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure
by elf-pimps
Summary: Mostly PG-13, this is the story of what happens when Haldir and Legolas find a strange magical box, and are sent on quest...SNORT warning, PLS READ AND REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1 The Box

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

"KILL HIM, LEGOLAS…KILL HIM!" Aragorn shouted at the blonde Elf as they stood on the wall of Helm's Deep, desperately trying to fight back the hordes of Uruk-Hai that swarmed around the wall. The one ghastly black beast that Aragorn had in mind was, at the moment, running toward the aqueduct with a torch with which to light the explosives that had been laid there, intending to blow a huge hole in Rohan's defenses.

Legolas rapid-fired several arrows at the beast, and scored each and every time, but to no avail. The fire touched the explosives and the world ignited all around them.

Legolas, pulled down at the last moment out of harm's way by a pair of friendly hands, turned to see Haldir of Lothlorien grinning at him. "Rusty?" he asked, swatting Legolas on the shoulder as they both turned to run from the advancing hordes.

"I didn't miss!" Legolas yelled, slicing a path through the vermin with his white knives.

"You didn't kill him either," Haldir pointed out, his sword finding yet another mark.

"I didn't see you helping…" Legolas shot back, his knives whirling in front of him.

"I was too busy saving your Elven ass," Haldir retorted, nearly beheading one of the beasts.

Together they fought their way through, as the call was sounded to retreat further into Helm's Deep.

As they rounded a corner of the wall, the two Elves were shocked into immobility by a sudden bolt of lightning, so close that it singed the hair of their eyebrows. When the smoke cleared they found themselves facing an odd, silvery box, slightly taller than an Elf, and twice as wide. A funny hinged door opened, and, to Legolas and Haldir's continued surprise, two humans stepped out.

"I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire…" said one.

"And I am Ted Theodore Logan…" said the other.

"And together we are…Wyld Stallyns!" they finished together, jumping up into the air, waving their arms frantically in front of them, making horrible, loud noises with their mouths.

Haldir looked at Legolas. Legolas looked back at Haldir.

"Wizards?" Haldir asked.

"Morons." Legolas answered.

Before the Elves could act, two Orc arrows flew through the air from behind them, dispatching the two leaping, screaming humans.

Looking behind them, Legolas and Haldir saw a swarm of Uruk-Hai advancing on them from behind, and, turning forward, saw an equally huge party of beasties heading toward them from that direction, cutting off their retreat.

Without thinking, Haldir pulled Legolas into the silvery box that had just emptied itself of its former inhabitants. Closing the oddly hinged door, the Elves watched as the Uruk-Hai - not the brightest creatures on the evolutionary ladder, bang their fists on the see-through walls of the box, screaming their frustration at not being able to touch and kill the two Elves within it.

One especially brawny brute gave a mighty push, rocking the box roughly back and forth. The Elves were tossed helplessly from side to side within the box. One of them - later Legolas was sure it was Haldir, although Haldir hotly contested that assertion - bumped against a most peculiar looking instrument attached to the wall. Thinking the black "U" shaped thing was a weapon of some sort, Legolas picked it up, but couldn't figure out what to do with it.

Haldir, frustrated, banged his fist against the box to which the "U" shaped thing was attached by a silver cord, hitting a square in the middle of the contraption that had strange markings on tinier squares held within it.

Suddenly, lights began flashing all around the silver box, as if star fire were hitting it from all directions, knocking away the Uruk-Hai and surrounding the box with smoke.

The next thing Legolas and Haldir knew, they were in each other's arms, screaming for their Nanas and Adas as the box ricocheted through space at great speeds.


	2. Chapter 2 Rufus

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

Clinging to each other, both elves held their eyes shut tight as the violently shaking box slowed down and landed with a thud. Peeking through one eye, Haldir looked around nervously, afraid of what might happen next.

Relieved that the strange contraption seemed to no longer be moving, Haldir realized that Legolas was still clinging to him a bit too tightly for his comfort. Tapping on the prince's head with one finger a bit irritably, Haldir looked down at him disdainfully and cleared his throat loudly.

The noise startled the nervous elf that jumped back quickly also realizing just how tightly he'd been clinging to the warden. Unfortunately there was not enough room in the box to jump back, so he bounced forward again, slamming into Haldir. This set off another round of arguing and shoving, and fighting.

"Stop being so PONCY!" Haldir shouted at Legolas…

"Stop being so BOSSY!" Legolas shouted back…

Both began pushing each other harder, despite the cramped space. To neither of their notice, the box began to rock violently back and forth with their actions. When the box finally tipped over, both fell silent, Haldir looking slightly embarrassed as he lied on top of the blonde elf.

"GET OFF ME, YOU BIG OAF!" yelled Legolas as he pushed against the larger elf, to no avail.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID, YOU BRAT!" Haldir yelled back, struggling as hard as he could to get up, but there being no room could not. In his struggles, he wrenched his head back, trying to avoid Legolas' rank breath, apparently traveling with Aragorn had led to the development of some nasty habits, especially for an elf. Pulling his head back, he slammed it against the little black device with the "U" shaped thingy.

"OW!" Haldir cried out, trying to reach behind him to rub his head, and in the process elbowing Legolas in the eye.

"MANWE'S BALLS!" Legolas cursed, trying to grab his eye, and in the process not-so-accidentally ramming his fist in Haldir's chin. Before Haldir could retaliate, a soft knocking was heard on the clear 'door' of the box. Both stopped, fists in mid-air and turned to look at who crouched next to them.

A strange looking man, with his hair pulled tightly back into a pony-tail and odd dark coverings over his eyes, peered through the door. He wore very dark clothing and seemed to be about middle aged, for a human.

Legolas looked at Haldir. Haldir looked at Legolas.

Both put their fists down and looked back at the strange man. He was apparently trying to say something to them, but they couldn't understand or hear what he was saying. Looking at him in confusion, they just shook their heads. Finally, the man pulled on a small vertical handle on the outside of the box, shoving the door down so that it opened fully.

"I said, what happened to Bill and Ted?" Rufus stared at the strange creatures lying on top of each other. This was all very confusing. Bill and Ted had been sent on an important mission to pass an English assignment on the Lord of the Rings series. And instead of them returning, here were these too strange beings, trying their damnedest to destroy the telephone booth.

"Damn Bill and Ted!" Legolas shouted in anger. "Just where are we!? I am the 'prince' of Mirkwood and when my father finds out…." Rolling his eyes, Haldir clamped his hand over the sputtering elf's mouth, so now the only sounds were his muffled cries of protest.

"I apologize for my friend's outburst," Haldir started off politely. "What he meant to say is…" he reached out with his free hand to grab Rufus' collar and pulled him closer to them. "Wizard of Darkness! 'I' am the March Warden of Lorien, and when Lady Galadriel finds out you have…"

Rufus' eyes grew wide at the two irate elves shouting at him. He was too stunned to speak. It couldn't be…something had happened to the boys and somehow, these two characters from the stories had been sent back instead! And not only that, but too VERY angry ones…with sharp weapons…

"P-p-please…" he stammered. "Please just listen to me!" He finally shouted, getting both of their attention, as they had begun to argue and fight with each other again. Both stopped and looked at him in annoyance, as if they had hardly expected him to still be remaining there.

"Please, there seems to have been some sort of mistake…"

"No shit," huffed Legolas, rolling eyes. "Ow!" He cried out as Haldir jabbed him in the ribs. Looking hatefully at Haldir, he shut-up.

"Do you recall meeting two boys, Bill and Ted, before you were whisked away…"

Both elves shook their heads no. Rufus sighed in mild frustration, and then another thought came to him.

"Okay then, do you remember two boys named…" he stood up and positioned his hands for an air-guitar, and almost perfectly imitated the two Haldir and Legolas had met earlier. "I am Bill S. Preston, Esquire…And I am Ted Theodore Logan…And together we are…Wyld Stallyns!"

This one makes that same strange noise as the others had, thought Haldir to himself.

Legolas, finally free of Haldir's hand, blurted out happily, "Oh yeah! We met them. The morons!" Then a thoughtful look of concentration crossed his face, causing him to go a bit cross-eyed. "But…they were slain by orcs."

Rufus' face drained to a ghostly white as the information sank in. Bill and Ted were dead, and now he was stuck with two misplaced elves.


	3. Chapter 3 The Quest

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

"Get out of my telephone booth," Rufus ordered, standing up and looking down at the two Elves. They couldn't see his eyes, since he was still wearing those odd looking goggles, but his voice left no room for error - he was very, very angry.

"Out of your what?" Haldir asked, raising an eyebrow at the human.

"The box. Get out of the box."

"Oh." Haldir climbed out of the box, stepping on a very delicate part of Legolas' anatomy in the process.

"Oomph! Watch where you step, you overgrown warg!" Legolas cried, his voice more high pitched than usual. As soon as he was physically able, he followed Haldir out of the box.

"I cannot believe you let Bill and Ted die! Do you realize what you've done? Our entire universe will not be the same…how will I explain this to the Elders?" Rufus ranted, stalking back and forth in front of the two Elves, hands behind his back, stopping once in a while to shake his fist in Haldir and Legolas' general direction. "Without their music, the planets won't align, there won't be peace throughout the galaxy, and we'll have no music that we can dance to. How will we learn to be excellent to each other now?"

"All we want is to go home," Legolas said quietly. Tugging on Haldir's sleeve he said, "Tell him we want to go home, Haldir."

"Well, you _can't_ go home, E.T. - not yet. _Somebody_ has to create the rock band Wyld Stallyns, and in order to do that _somebody_ has to pass a certain English assignment on Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, and since _you've_ managed to get our best prospects _killed_ in the first five minutes you met them, then _YOU_ are hired!" Rufus yelled, quite out of breath by the time he finished.

"What's 'Lord of the Rings?" Haldir asked, cocking his head at Rufus.

"What's an "English?" Legolas asked, cocking his head at Rufus in the same direction as Haldir's.

"Please tell me you're kidding. You are kidding, right? You never heard of Lord of the Rings? I'm not even going to address the "what's English," question…" Rufus asked, staring hard at the two Elves. "Okay…okay…we'll have to start at the beginning, but we'll have to do this fast. Pay attention."

Rufus pulled out a small flat screen from somewhere on his person (Haldir would later insist that it was his ass, but Legolas could not confirm this), which left his hand and floated directly in front of Haldir and Legolas' faces.

"Sit down, boys…this is going to take roughly nine hours."

The strains of orchestra music came from the flat screen, and the opening credits of Fellowship of the Ring floated before their eyes.

"Oh, look…Hobbits!" Legolas said, immediately drawn in to the story.

Nine hours later, the two Elves, now quite well versed in the story of Lord of the Rings, were rolling about the ground guffawing.

"SNORT! You and a Dwarf! SNORT! A DWARF! SNORT!" Haldir roared, tears streaming down his face.

"ME? YOU DIED! SNORTSNORTSNORT!" Legolas screamed with laughter, holding his sides.

"Eh hem," Rufus politely cleared his throat, trying to get their attention. It didn't work, so he did the next best thing.

He kicked them both in the groins.

That did it.

When their screams reduced themselves to whimpers, Rufus looked at both of them. "This is what you're going to do. You are going to get in that box, return to Middle Earth, grab everyone on this list, and return here. You are then going to go to the San Dimas High School, put on a really cheesy show, ace the assignment, and form a rock band called "Wyld Stallyns." Then, and only then, can you go home for good. Do I make myself clear?"

"And if we say no?" Haldir asked, still cupping his groin.

"Have you ever heard of a crew cut?" Rufus asked, smiling evilly. "I can arrange to make sure you get one every week for the rest of your lives…which is forever, as I understand it." He waved a photo of a flat-topped Marine in front of Haldir and Legolas' eyes.

They screamed like little girls.

"Yes! Yes! Anything…please, not that!" Legolas yelled, gathering his golden locks in his hands protectively.

"Good, then we are agreed. Here's your list of LOTR characters, and your phonebook. The phonebook gives you the numbers to punch into that little silver box in there to direct you to the correct time and place to pick up the characters. Got it? You have twenty four hours."

Legolas and Haldir took the phonebook and the list from Rufus. "Oh, look, Haldir…we're on here…that's two already!" Legolas exclaimed happily.

"Aragorn, Galadriel, Gandalf," Haldir said, reading off names that were familiar to him.

"The clock is ticking, boys!" Rufus said impatiently, pointing to the silvery box.

Reluctantly, Legolas and Haldir climbed back into the box, Haldir being on the bottom this time. He frowned when he realized that Legolas was smiling at him, and just a little too happy to be on top.

Turning, Legolas punched a few numbers into the silver square of the telephone. Lightning flashed, and the two were once again screaming as the box flew through space taking them back to Middle Earth.


	4. Chapter 4 The Hobbits

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

After landing and having figured out the door, Haldir stepped out first arguing with Legolas.

"Stupid twit! He did pull it out of his ass! Are you _that _blind?"

"I cannot honestly say yes or no to that…" Legolas replied as he looked around them.

Both suddenly screamed and scrambled back into the telephone booth, realizing they had landed in the midst of the Battle of Pelannor Fields, and that an oliphaunt trunk was heading straight towards them.

"Legolas, just like at Helm's Deep! Can't you do anything right," Haldir shouted pressing numbers wildly on the little black box.

Clutching each other tightly, they shut their eyes and screamed, waiting either for the box to move or the oliphaunt to smash the box. Feeling the sensation of the box flying through the air, they didn't know what to expect. When it landed once again with a soft thud, they both flung themselves out of the booth, and as far from each other as possible, Haldir a little leery of how touchy feely Legolas seemed to be getting. It was beginning to cross that line between good old-fashioned warrior camaraderie and just plain obscenity.

"Okay," Legolas said, whipping the list out of somewhere (Haldir would later insist it was his ass, and Legolas would not deny nor confirm this information). Angrily Haldir snatched it from his hand.

"Gimme that," Haldir hissed, now realizing exactly why Legolas had been feeling him up during the short trip. "Now," he cleared his throat, contemplating the paper, reading over the names as Legolas pouted. "First we need to figure out where we are…"

Both looked around the small green hilly landscape, Haldir scratching his silver head in confusion.

"Riiight, I don't recognize this place," Haldir said.

Sighing dramatically, Legolas shook his golden locks as he looked around, mumbling something about big stupid backwoods wardens that never traveled beyond their own little forests. Pointing to a small round wooden door in the hillside with a large sign on it, which read 'Bags End,' he smirked as Haldir smack himself for his stupidity.

"But Bilbo's name isn't on here, and anyway, isn't he supposed to still be in Rivendell?" Haldir held out the paper for Legolas to read, still holding tightly on it. Scanning the paper, Legolas read off Merry and Pippin's names and series of four characters, matching the one on the black box in the booth, next to them.

"NOT THEM!" Legolas groaned at the prospect of traveling with the two overly excitable hobbits. Having now seen the movie, Haldir agreed with Legolas.

Not noticing the gathering hobbits surrounding them, the two continued to bicker and argue over their next course of action.

"Pippin Took?" came a small voice next to them, startling both so that they practically jumped out of their boots.

"GAH!" they shrieked, finally looking at the munchkins gathered around them, resembling an all too familiar horror musical…

"You mentioned Pippin Took," repeated the hobbit. "He is staying with Frodo for a few days before returning to his home. They just arrived from a most exciting adventure…" Before he could continue both elves had rushed to Bags End, knocking frantically on the door. Appalled by their rude behavior, the hobbits dispersed, seeking more hospitable company.

Opening the door, Frodo's huge weepy eyes greeted them. After blinking twice, it dawned on the ring bearer just who stood before him, and he leapt at Legolas hugging him gladly.

"Legolas! We wondered what had happened to you after you disappeared from Helm's Deep!" Looking to Haldir, he continued. "And you brought … erm," he hesitated, not being able to place Haldir's face, "…a friend. How delightful!" He finished excitedly.

Haldir pouted at how quickly he had been forgotten, considering the two of them had met and traveled for quite awhile together in Lorien not a few months before. Legolas, a fake smile on his face, gingerly pulled the overly happy hobbit off him, setting his feet back on the ground.

"We are looking for Hairy and Pip-squeak," Haldir spoke up, finally getting his ruffled feathers to back down.

"Merry and Pippin," Legolas quickly followed, trying to cover Haldir's error, not that it mattered, as Frodo had run off to fetch the other two to come and see Legolas and his … friend.

The two elves back away as two tiny curly-headed hobbits came bounding from the back of the house, running into Legolas as one. Haldir smiled gleefully at Legolas' struggles to get the two off of him…

"Glad…to…see…you, too," Legolas strained under their enthusiastic hellos. Finally both returned to the floor and stared up at the big warden not recognizing, and deciding to not embarrass him with that fact, they ignored him.

"Why don't you two come in and sit awhile, drink some ale…" Frodo offered, smiling rather cheerfully at the prospect of entertaining the elves.

Legolas and Haldir shook their heads a little to quickly, Legolas growing a bit dizzy.

"Sorry, but we must decline," said Haldir, politely as he could, despite being ignored. "But, we would like to show you three something…" He turned and pointed at the telephone booth across the road, nestled in a grove of trees. The three little hobbits eyes grew as round as saucers, and were across the road in a flash, touching and peering at the curious contraption…

"Would you like to peek inside…" started Legolas. Before he could finish, Merry and Pippin began jumping up and down excitedly, bobbing their heads up down affirmatively. Frodo on the other hand, stared at it warily, considering the last time he'd gotten involved with a foreign object…namely a ring.

"I'd rather not," he replied, as Legolas ushered the other two inside. As the hobbits looked around in awe, Haldir and the prince shoved themselves inside.

"Wanna see how it works…" smiled Haldir fakely.

"Oh yes," replied Pippin.

"But don't you think it is a bit cramped in here," came Merry's muffled voice from behind Legolas, his face squished against the glass window.

"Oh, but we have to be in here to operate it," Legolas answered, grinning at Haldir.

Haldir pushed a few buttons, looking at the list next to Galadriel's name, as Legolas shut the door quickly.

Frodo, panicking as the machine began to rock and create strange lights, pounded on the glass door. Legolas waved goodbye to him, as Merry and Pippin's voice reached new heights in their screaming.

Frodo stood alone, a small burnt circle on the ground before him, his eyebrows singed and hair blown straight up. Looking around to see if anyone was watching him, he quietly made his way back to 'Bags End'. Packing a few things, the next day he traveled to the Grey Havens.


	5. Chapter 5 The Elleth

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

The telephone booth thumped to a stop again, this time in the middle of a glorious, silver and gold forest. Haldir reached up and peeled Merry's ass from his face, before opening the door and tossing the Hobbit out.

Climbing out of the booth, the four travelers stretched themselves after their cramped, albeit short, ride.

"I need a drink," Pippin muttered, his legs giving out. He plopped on the grass, and looked up soulfully at Legolas. "Please…I need to get drunk. Now. Please."

"No, Pippin. We don't have time. We have a report to give in somewhere called 'San Dimas." Trust me…it's complicated, but we need to hurry," Legolas replied, patting the Hobbit on the head.

"At least I know where we are now," Haldir said, motioning for the other three to follow him. "Caras Galadhon is not far from here."

"Well, whoopie! He finally knows where we are. Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?" Legolas smirked at the silver haired Elf.

"You're on my last nerve, Legolas. Don't think I didn't feel your hand on my butt during that last trip!" Haldir retorted a bit lamely.

"Um…that was me…" Pippin giggled, holding his little hand out toward Haldir and making pinching motions.

"Ew!" Haldir said, suddenly jumping about, brushing at the seat of his pants. "Hands off, you Hobbit pervert!"

The four companions, led by Haldir, who was still occasionally shuddering and swiping at the back of his leggings, headed toward the Elven city deep within the Golden Wood.

Haldir led them directly to the Royal Talan, where Galadriel, ever the spooky mind reader, already knew they were coming and was waiting for them.

The look on her face left no doubt as to the mood she was in.

"Haldir! How could you get involved with this nonsense? Shouldn't you be leading our troops in battle right about now?" she asked, hands on her slim hips.

"Yes, My Lady, it's just that…we…I…" Haldir mumbled. Pointing at Legolas he said, "It was his fault!"

Legolas looked up stunned, his eyes flying from Haldir to the Lady of Light and back again. "Me? It wasn't my fault…you pulled me into the telephone booth, you silver haired freak!"

"Stop it, the both of you! Let's just see what my mirror has to say about all this." Galadriel pulled out her scrying mirror out from somewhere - later Legolas was certain it was from her ass, and this time, Haldir was inclined to agree with him - and peered into its silvery surface.

"I see a large room full of screaming teenaged humans…a building with many vendors…and something called a 'water park.' I cannot begin to imagine what these things have in common, but I know this for certain…you must complete your quest, else the universe be altered forever and darkness descend on all the land. Jumping Jimminies…this looks to be worse than the problems we've had with the One Ring!" Sighing, Galadriel stepped away from her scrying mirror, which continued to hang suspended in space (she was always doing creepy things like that), and walked to join the four travelers.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" she asked, looking at the four of them. "I believe you have a deadline to meet!"

Shrugging their shoulders, the other four set off, escorting the Lady back to the telephone booth.

She eyed the contraption warily, while Haldir and Legolas consulted the list again.

"Who's next?" Legolas asked Haldir, trying to read over the taller Elf's shoulder.

Haldir rolled his eyes at the blonde Elf. "Well…remember how you said that you wanted to see Gimli again? This is your big chance, blondie…"

Legolas groaned, rolling his eyes. "Not Gimli…he's alright for a Dwarf, but…he stinks like a dead warg. I've barely gotten the stench out of my nostrils…"

Dejectedly, Legolas followed Haldir to the booth, helping him cram Galadriel, Merry, and Pippin inside, before squeezing in themselves.

Haldir jabbed his one free finger on the telephone key pad, and soon the screams of the three new passengers echoed through space - after all this was Legolas and Haldir's fourth trip, and they were growing used to it.


	6. Chapter 6 The Dwarf

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

The five burst from the booth as soon as it landed, tumbling out in front of bustling pub inside a dark cavern.

"Alright! That is IT!" Haldir bellowed. "Stop grabbing my ass!" He glared at the other four, his eyes shifting from one to another, each grinning as he looked at him. When his eyes finally rested on Galadriel, he winked. She rolled her eyes instead of grinning.

"I definitely was _not _doing any such thing," she retorted haughtily, then muttered under her breath so that only Legolas could, "I was the one feeling up your elfhood." Legolas snorted as Haldir turned away, earning a withering look from the warden

"Come on, lets find the dwarf so we don't have to stay here long," Legolas said, jogging to catch up with Haldir. Dwarves paused occasionally, staring at the three elves and two hobbits, as they made their way to the underground pub. Galadriel stopped for a moment, staring up at the sign above her.

"Gimli's Bar and Grill?" The other's paused and looked back at her in question. None had bothered to read the sign, as it was in dwarvish and none could read it. As if on cue, a hairy redheaded dwarf rushed out of the pub, ramming straight into Legolas.

"Is that you, laddie!?" cried out the smelly dwarf, Legolas wrinkling his nose at what had to be the smell of burnt grease and stale mead.

Putting on his best smile, still a bit strained, he embraced his friend, trying not to gag on the smell. "It is I, Gimli. I see you have your own place now," he pointed to the sign. Gimli smiled proudly, puffing his chest out and stroking his beard.

"Aye lad, when I returned, I was so bored with jewel making. Then I realized that I had a skill, besides making jewelry, and decided to put it to use." He stopped talking when he finally saw Galadriel. "My Lady," he started, falling to his knees before her, awestruck that the beautiful elf queen stood at his door.

Galadriel smiled benevolently at him, thinking the entire time, "Eru…not him again…the pervy dwarf-stalker…"

"Mae govannen," she inclined her head toward him, trying to not get too near him, as his stench assailed her own nostrils.

The hobbits jumped at his back gleefully greeting the dwarf, causing him to lose balance and fall forward. "Arrrgh! You little ones!" He bellowed, struggling to stand back up. Finally standing up, he was greeted again with the hobbits engulfing him in their tiny arms.

"Gimli! You have a pub! Can we have a drink now, Haldir and Legolas?" They looked hopefully up at the two elves, still embracing the dwarf. Both thinking the same thing, Legolas and Haldir agreed, knowing that Gimli would never willing go with them, unless he was extremely drunk or passed out. Galadriel, opting to stay out of the noisy pub, waited outside, glaring with an evil eye at any who dared approach her, making them believe the stories about an elf witch.

After about two hours, two drunk hobbits came prancing out of the pub, followed by Legolas and Haldir dragging a singing and soused Gimli behind them.

"And let me tell you ye lads  
Of a beautiful elf-maiden,  
Who between her legs  
Would not let me lay-den!"

He sang loudly, Galadriel glaring at him and his song, rightfully thinking that he sang about her. As the six of them squeezed back into the booth, he continued at the top of his lungs.

"Silver hair the color of stars,  
I'd show her the pleasure  
No elf could give her,  
A special dwarven treasure!"

To her great relief, Haldir knocked the dwarf on the head with his fist, knocking him out. Galadriel looked down on him with disdain and disgust, as the dwarf was standing next to her, and now lean against her crotch.

"Whom do we have to find next," Pippin said, pulling the list out from somewhere (Galadriel swore it was from Gimli's ass, and did not want to know how it had gotten there, deciding that was a piece of his anatomy she did not want to think about...the hair, she shivered at the thought.) Legolas, not surprised, punched in the numbers that Pippin showed him, as the hobbit announced the next victim.

"Aragorn…" the rest of what he was going to say turning into a screaming as the booth shook violently, the sounds of electrical current surrounding them. Looking through the door, the occupants could see dwarves rushing them with axes just before they disappeared.

"Well," thought Haldir, Galadriel and the hobbits screaming in the background as the booth shot through space. "It can't get any smellier in here…"


	7. Chapter 7 The Man

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

THUD.

The telephone booth once again landed with a bone-jolting bang, this time in the middle of what appeared to be Minas Tirith.

Haldir pulled the door open as fast as he could - which, since he was an Elf, was pretty darn fast - taking a huge gulp of clean, fresh air.

He was none-too-nicely pushed out of the booth by Legolas, who climbed out of the box, gulping air like a dying fish.

Galadriel followed suit, ripping the two Elves new ones in the process for being such gentlemen for leaving her in the booth with the Hobbits and the malodorous Dwarf. Gimli, by the way,  
had woken up about halfway through their journey, and had spent those 45 seconds upchucking on Galadriel's shoes. Hence her really rotten mood.

The two Hobbits peeked timidly over the side of the booth, both fairly green from having their faces pressed up against Gimil's ass for the entire journey. Haldir and Legolas pulled them out of  
the box, where they proceeded to kick Gimli in the groin. Well, they aimed for the groin, but, both still being quite drunk, as well as quite short, never made it past his ankles.

"Let's please get Aragorn, and get on with this, shall we?" Galadriel said, wiping her shoes off on the grass.

"Aye, Laddies! I've a fierce need to find a latrine…" Gimli added, holding himself and doing the potty dance.

Haldir and Legolas led the travelers down the broad expanse of courtyard and into the King's House. They marched up to the guards who stood at the entry to the Throne Room, and  
demanded to see Aragorn.

"Who?" the guards asked, looking befuddled.

"Aragorn," Haldir replied.

"Estel," Legolas added.

"Stryder," Gimli explained.

"Ranger," Merry and Pippin said together.

"Oh, Eru's Bountiful Ass…" Galadriel muttered. She waved her arms, and the two guards vanished in a cloud purple tinged smoke.

"Right…" Gimli whispered to Merry, "and she wants us to believe that there's no such thing as an Elf-Witch."

Ignoring the Dwarf, Galadriel marched past her four traveling companions right up the aisle of the throne room to where Aragorn, er…King Elessar, and her granddaughter, Arwen, sat on their cute, matching, just-married thrones.

"Galadriel?" Aragorn asked, raising an eyebrow at the disheveled, foul-smelling Elleth storming toward him.

"Grandma?" Arwen asked, "Haldir? Legolas? Merry? Pippin? Gimli?

"I think that about sums it up," Haldir mumbled, rolling his eyes.

"We need you to come with us, Aragorn…we need your help," Legolas said, pulling on his old friend's arm.

"I can't go anywhere right now, Legolas…I have a country to rule," Aragorn replied, shaking his head and pulling his arm away.

"What? You have to come…the fate of the universe rests on it!" Legolas insisted, pulling on his arm again.

"I…cannot…go…any…where!" Aragorn yelled, caught in a tug-of-war with his arm and Legolas.

"Wait just a cotton-pickin' minute there, yer Highness…ye mean to say that we," Gimli shouted, pointing at himself and the other four male travelers, "all risked our bloody necks puttin' you on  
that throne, and now that we need you to help us, yer saying 'no?"

"Well...I have a duty to my people…my Queen…c'mon guys, cut me a break!" Aragorn retorted. He pulled out his scepter from somewhere on his person - Gimli would later swear that it was  
from his ass, and, knowing Aragorn, everyone else agreed - waving it at the crowd.

Haldir, once again losing his famous temper, sucker punched Aragorn right in the middle of his hadn't-shaved-in-a-few-months-again kisser. He hoisted the Man up onto his shoulders, and turned around, walking back down the aisle.

Arwen just gaped at them, her jaw hanging down to her chest.

"Don't worry, dear…we'll have him back as good as new in no time. Say hello to your Ada for me…the shmuck," Galadriel called as she followed the others out of the King's House.

Returning to the telephone booth, Legolas shooed away several children who were throwing rocks at it. They helped Galadriel inside, followed by a still unconscious Aragorn, Gimli, and the  
Hobbits.

Looking at the overflowing telephone booth, Haldir took a deep breath, held it, and squeezed himself inside. Legolas followed suit, pushing and shoving until he was fully inside the box and  
able to close the door.

"Argh! Watch that elbow, Elf!" Gimli bellowed at Haldir.

"I have news for you Dwarf…that isn't my elbow!"

"ARGH!"

Legolas, still trying to hold his breath, said, "And who was it that said it couldn't possibly get any smellier in here? Sweet Eru, Aragorn...is there a water shortage in Minas Tirith? When was the last time you had a bath?"

Once again, the booth flew through the space-time continuum, hurtling toward their next destination.


	8. Chapter 8 The Gruesome Twosome not US!

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

The booth landed with a thwack on a hard rocky surface. As the door opened, the seven members of this new and strange Fellowship fell out, a tangle of limbs and curses.

"Aragorn, get your hand off my ASS!!!!" Screeched Haldir…

"Haldir…" Galadriel pinched the bridge of her nose in irritation, trying to hold on to her last thread of patience, being the only female on the list and member of this group. "Haldir, we are in a tiny enclosed space, trying to fit Eru knows how many people into a one-person-only-limit box. THEY CAN'T HELP TOUCHING YOUR ASS! GET OVER YOURSELF!" Galadriel shrieked, getting spittle all over her stunned March Warden. She quickly turned to Gimli whose face had lit up excitedly, "Don't even try it dwarf-boy, you're standing on the other side of the booth next time…"

Regaining her composure, Galadriel brushed herself off and took a good look around. "Uh oh guys, anyone know where we are?" All stopped their bickering and did a turn-about gazing around the desolate and rocky landscape. It was very cold, and very dark. Somewhere in the background they could here the steady drip of water echoing through area.

Aragorn pulled out the list from his front pocket and tried to peer at it in the absence of light. Legolas rolled his eyes and grabbed it from him, also trying to read it. Blinking a couple times, he soon realized that he couldn't do it either.

"Oh, Eru's Giant Balls," muttered Galadriel, snapping her fingers and creating a floating ball of light. Aragorn looked up at his grandmother-in-law wondering just how much she knew about Eru's anatomy. –More than you'll ever guess.- He jumped, as she entered his mind, horrified by the thought of her….ew, he shivered. She smiled evilly at him, and he wondered exactly how much Arwen took after Celebrian's side of the family.

"GAH!" screamed Legolas when he'd finally read the name, dropping the list into a puddle of water. "Oh, shit," he cursed, picking the soaked paper out of the murky water by his finger and thumb on the only dry corner.

"Legolas! Were you raised by an orc," Haldir snatched the list away, patting it dry with his sleeve. "So…princy boy, who was the last person on the list…" he sneered, the muddy water had completely obliterated the list.

Before Legolas could answer, everyone froze as the out of tune notes of a song floated to their ears.

"Oh fisssshessss, sssso nice and ssslimy,  
I likessss fissshessss…  
Ssssso nice and ssssquissshy…"

"Uh oh," whispered the hobbits, each one clinging to Haldir's legs, as the song grew louder.

"I don't like the sound of this," whispered Gimli, peeking from behind Legolas.

Suddenly the singing stopped and two weak voices were heard. The sound of shuffling feet followed quickly behind.

"Everyone, stand ready for whatever is coming," growled Aragorn, holding his…scepter ready, having not brought his sword.

"I caughtsssss usssss…golem…a nice fissshesssss for…golem…sssssupper, my precioussssss," came a familiar voice.

"Oh, not him," whimpered Merry, his knees knocking audibly.

"Gollum! Please! I am not your precious," cried out a frustrated and slimy voice, also quite familiar.

"You sssstill are not over him leaving you, are you Grima…" Gollum's voice sounded dejected. "I can be more of a man for you…golem…golem."

Haldir whirled around to face Legolas, "Who EXACTLY was the next person on the list," he hissed.

Legolas gulped nervously before answering, "Grima…" Haldir tapped his foot impatiently, as all eyes turned to the prince, expectantly waiting his answer. "And Gollum," he quickly said under his breath.

"Uh, excuse, I didn't quite catch that last part…"

"GOLLUM!!! GOLLUM AND GRIMA!!!!" Legolas shouted angrily as loudly as he could, his voice reverberating off the stonewalls of the cavern.

When the echo finally died down, the two voices had stopped, and everyone turned around in shock to see who stood behind them. Two wimpy figures stood in front of them, two very wimpy and extremely pitiful figures.

Gollum's huge eyes were watery, looking as though he might cry at any moment, and he clutched his still twitching fish to his chest as if it were teddy bear. All too soon, the cave was filled with the strangled sobs of the deranged hobbit.

"Now look what you've done," shouted Grima. "You've made the poor thing cry!" He picked up Gollum, cuddling him against his chest and speaking soothing words into his ear. When his sob finally became little sniffles, Haldir cleared his throat.

"Ahem."

They ignored him.

"AHEM!" He said louder, making the pitiful duo jump. When they finally settled down, he spoke again. "You are coming with us…"

"Oh no wessss don't," spat out Gollum. "You knowsss what happened lassst time! I wassss burnt up by thossse sssstupid hobbitsessss." He crossed his arms defiantly, still cradled in Grima's arms, and turned his nose up in the air. "And they sssstole my birthday pressssent," he added hotly.

Her patience finally at an end, Galadriel started glowing and turning green, turning into Freaky Galadriel. The others all jumped back, as she seemed to be slightly more frightening than usual.

"GOLLUM and GRIMA! You are coming with us!" Her glowing eyes bore into them as they cowered before her, bobbing their heads up and down, quickly agreeing to come. Galadriel instantly turned back into Normal Galadriel. "Good, now GET into the BOX!" She pointed to the telephone booth, and the two shuffled into it.

The rest crammed in behind them. When Legolas was finally about to shut the door, the booth bulged slightly from all sides. Haldir nudged the number to return to Rufus with his nose, as Gollum pulled out a fish (which everyone swore was from his ass, and which Grima would later confirm gleefully, just to watch everyone turn green and nauseous), holding it up above his head right under Galadriel's nose.

"Snack, anyone," asked Gollum, suddenly drowned out by horrendous screaming, whether from the fish or booth, no one could be sure.


	9. Chapter 9 Leafy Green's

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

The booth landed with a huge crash on top of a lime green Yugo. Needless to say, there wasn't much left of the psuedo-automobile but a pile of crushed tin and few shards of broken glass. 

Again the door of the telephone booth flew open, it's occupants clawing at each other in an effort to reach the fresh air outside. Galadriel, being the only one with more than one hormone, was   
victorious, climbing over the bodies of her fellow travelers and stepping out onto what appeared to be a field of solid, hard, black dirt.

Grima and Gollum were next out, both flying through the air as Legolas and Haldir pitched them out of the booth. Not a pretty sight for Galadriel, who felt her eyes begin to bleed as she  
watched the filthy, tattered diaper and the equally filthy, tattered leopard print loincloth sail over her head. They landed in a heap a few feet away from the booth, one on top of the other, a half  
eaten fish in one of their hands.

Legolas and Haldir, having rid their groins of the two slimy hangers-on and vowing to have their Elfhoods removed at their first opportunity, climbed from the booth, followed by the two  
Hobbits, Gimli, and Aragorn. 

The group stood in the black field, looking at the oddly shaped horseless chariots scattered about. Their eyes drifted to an enormous building built of light and glass at the head of the field.   
"S-A-N-D-I-M-A-S-M-A-L-L" Legolas read, his head hurting slightly from the effort.

"What do we do now?" Aragorn asked Haldir, flapping his arms, trying to air out his armpits a bit.

"First of all - STOP THAT!" Haldir roared, smacking at Aragorn's arms. 'You're making it worse! Secondly, I suppose we'll just have to go in there and see what it is…maybe Rufus is inside."

"What are they doing…" Merry asked Gimli, pulling on his sleeve and pointing at Grima and Gollum.

"EW! EW! EW, EW, EW!" Gimli shouted, doing the I-can't-believe-I'm-watching-this-it's-so-gross-but-I-can't-help-myself dance. "Grima! Gollum! Knock it off!"

"Don't lissten, my love…he'ss just jealoussss…" Gollum whispered to Grima.

"Mmmff," Grima answered, his mouth full of Gollumhood. 

"Great Eru's Hairy Ass!" Galadriel exclaimed, covering her mouth with her hand. "I'm going to be sick!" 

"Look out…she's gonna blow!" Haldir shouted, as they all scrambled away from the green Lady of Light. 

"UGH! Did THAT come out of HER?" Legolas asked, covering his nose and mouth with his hand.

"Come on…we're running out of time!" Haldir said, tugging on Legolas' arm. He started off jogging toward the Mall, the other travelers running behind him, except for Gollum, who was trying to run but finding it difficult since Grima refused to let go of his Gollumhood, and was therefore dragging Grima alongside of him, while still holding on to his half-eaten fish.

Pausing before the enormous building, Haldir suddenly turned to Galadriel, who was still a bit green around the edges. "Milady…pardon me, but is that your hand upon my ass?"

"No…that would be me, " Legolas giggled, dodging Haldir's fist as it swung at his head. 

"What is it with you and my ass?" Haldir roared.

"It's jiggly," Legolas replied.

"My ass is not jiggly!"

"Like a bowl full of jelly!" Legolas laughed.

"Really?" Pippin asked, raising an eyebrow at the big Silvan.

"NO! MY ASS IS NOT JIGGLY!" Haldir thundered, turning and stalking through the doors.

"See…I told you it jiggled…" Legolas smiled, as they watched Haldir's buttocks bounce their way into the Mall.

Stepping through the glass doors, the travelers found themselves inside a building like none they had ever seen. To begin with…it was huge…bigger even than Elrond's House, or the King's House in Minas Tirith. Secondly…it was full of people…vendors…and some very appetizing aromas.

"Let's split up and look for Rufus," Haldir suggested, receiving a nod from Legolas in agreement. "He's about this tall, human, middle aged, with dark hair in a tail in the back, and…"

"Haldir…" Legolas said.

"Not now Legolas…I'm in the middle of giving a description of Rufus so everyone will know him when they see him," Haldir said tersely. "Now…he's about this tall, human…"

"Haldir…" Legolas interrupted again, receiving a knock upside the head from Haldir for his trouble.

"What did I just say, Legolas? Why do keep interrupting me? What's so important?"

"I just thought you'd want to know that everyone else has already left, you big jackass!" Legolas yelled, holding the side of his head that Haldir had smacked.

"Oh." Haldir looked around, and realized Legolas was right…it was just the two of them still standing by the doors. Sighing, he shrugged his broad shoulders, and set off, calling "RUFUS!"   
loudly at the top of his lungs.

Legolas set off in the opposite direction, calling "HALDIR!" at the top of his lungs. Pretty…but not very bright, you know.

After a few moments, Legolas forgot who he was searching for - even though he'd been searching for the wrong person anyway - when he caught sight of the "Leafy Green's Sporting Goods" store. Peeking in through the window, his eye fell upon the most beautiful bow he had ever seen hanging on the wall above the cash register.

Entering the store, he immediately went over to the wall, and to the cashier's consternation, ripped the bow from it's hanging place, turning it over in his hands.

"Sir…please…that can be dangerous…please put it down…"

Scanning the store around him, Legolas spotted what he was looking for near the back, in a glass case. He stalked to the back of the store, followed closely by the sputtering cashier, pulled out a hammer - the clerk would later swear to the police that it was from his ass, but the police discounted the clerk's testimony since he had failed the drug test - and flung it into the  
glass display case. Reaching through the broken glass, he pulled out a handful of  
shiny, new arrows, and their leather quiver. 

"What are you going to do with those?" the shaking cashier asked, backing away from the wild eyed Elf.

"Target practice…here take this…" Legolas instructed the young, pimply faced kid, handing him the price tag that he ripped off the quiver, "…and stand over there. Put it in your mouth and turn   
sideways…"

He couldn't understand why the kid ran screaming from the store.


	10. Chapter 10 Bath and Body Works

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

Aragorn walked on in oblivion, passing by several stores before coming to a one with a wooden front decorated with red and white checked trim. Pausing for a moment, he gazed in wonder at the thousands of tiny bottles of sweet smelling potions. A woman in a green apron startled him.

She smiled enthusiastically, her bright white teeth gleaming in the fluorescent lights and accented by her ruby red lips. Entranced by her, Aragorn allowed her to lead him inside.

"Welcome to Bath and Body Works," the woman announced cheerfully. At the word bath, Aragorn paled considerably. "Are you shopping for some special woman?" She asked him, not noticing his change in demeanor as he realized this was some sort of women's shop, and they would not force him to bathe.

"Um, no…" he replied, watching out of the corner of his eye as Legolas ran down the indoor street, followed by some strange men in brown uniforms.

"Perhaps yourself then?" Aragorn jerked to face her fully, a bit shocked.

"What would I need with such potions?"

The woman wrinkled her nose slightly, since Aragorn's smell had not evaded her senses either. She had noticed that he resembled that actor Viggo from the Lord of the Rings movies, and that he smelled like he'd been wandering around the New Zealand wilderness for months…or shoved up a warg's ass –which all his friends had already decided was the case…-

"Well, um…" She held out to him a pale green bar of soap with little dark specks in it. "You could try this one. It has a very manly smell. Very rugged," she winked at him, trying not to be overcome by his stench.

"More manly than this?" He asked lifting his arm up. The woman paled as his scent wafted to her, nearly causing her to pass out.

"That is quite manly, but I think the ladies will like this one much better," she replied, once she dared to breathe again after he put his arm back down. Aragorn raised an eyebrow in interest at the 'ladies'.

Aragorn took the bar from her, peering at it from afar not wanting it to get too close to him. "S-A-N-D-L-E-W-O-O-D O-I-L A-N-D E-X-F-O-L-I-A-N-T…" He spelled out slowly, much to the annoyance of the woman. "What is 'exfoliant'?"

"It helps wash away the dead skin." She sighed heavily at his confused look. "Dead skin is what causes you to itch…" She nodded toward his hand that scratched his arm. Blushing he stopped and hid his arm behind him. "...And smell…" she added. He blushed again.

"But doesn't it hurt?" He asked innocently.

"What?" She asked him, a bit confused by his question. "Soap, bathing, itching?"

"Soap and bathing…"

"Uh…" she wasn't quite should how to answer that considering most people bathed. "No. Well, depends. Sometimes people have an allergic reaction to some of the ingredients in soap. But that can be easily remedied by stopping the use of that particular product."

The woman started getting a little anxious, as many of her other customers were holding their noses and looking at the man in disgust. She had to suppress a giggle when one person took one of the 'Try Me' bottles and spritzed him from behind with Razz-Ma-Tazz Berry Body Spray (with glitter). It was even harder when Aragorn had sniffed the air wondering what the smell was.

A group of her customers banded together in a corner of the store, each holding a different weapon. Looking at the back-scrubbers held like clubs, bars of soap like rocks to be thrown, and spritz bottles like mace, she quickly guided the man toward the entrance. "Here, this bar of soap is on us. A free sample, so you may try it to see if you like it."

"Really," he looked doubtfully at it.

"Yes, I insist…take it." She shoved it into his hands, and walked away only to be called back.

"What do I do with it?" She made a 'why me God' face and turned back to him, a huge saccharine smile on her lips.

"You wash with it…" she said sweetly.

"How do you do that?" He peered at the tiny writing on the back, the tip of his pink tongue sticking out the corner of his mouth as he concentrated.

"WITH WATER!" She shouted, losing her cool.

Stunned by her outburst, Aragorn looked up to see her glaring at him in away that reminded him of his grandmother-in-law. Quickly he left, only to be followed by a loud cheering sound. Turning around, he looked back to see all the customers standing at the entrance of the shop cheering loudly. Thinking that they were aware of his heroics, he gave them a courtly bow which was instantly followed by hysteric laughter. Confused, Aragorn returned to his search for…whatever. He really didn't know what he was supposed to be looking for. He just hoped he'd walk into one of the others soon.


	11. Chapter 11 Galadriel's Secret and Buffet

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

Galadriel wandered the aisles, looking down her Elven nose at the people who milled all around her, letting her eyes do that freaky green-glowing thing whenever one of them ventured too  
close.

She peered curiously into the store windows, raising an eyebrow once or twice at the odd merchandise she saw in the windows. At one particular shop, however, she came to a dead stop,  
staring agape at the display in the windows.

Carefully, she read the small sign that hung next to a mannequin in the window. "W-O-N-D-E-R-B-R-A, she read, eyeing the lace and silk confection that was draped across the mannequin's  
ample bust. Galadriel looked at the mannequin, then down at her own chest…back at the mannequin…down at herself…then nearly threw herself through the doors of the shop.

Legolas, still running, got a glimpse of who he thought fleetingly might have been Galadriel, inside a shop, stripped of her gown, dressed in what appeared to be a couple of lace doiles that  
barely covered anything at all. He ran smack into a wall, and bounced off, landing hard on his ass.

Stepping out of the shop, and nearly stumbling over Legolas, who still sat on the ground looking dazed - even for him - Galadriel smiled, seeing herself in the reflection of the store window. She had her gown rolled up in a ball in a shopping bag and was now dressed in a red satin teddy that barely covered the tops of her thighs, with a plunging neckline that showed off her newly lifted and separated breasts, encased in her new Wonder-bra. On her feet were matching, stiletto heeled red mules.

She stepped over Legolas, giving him a view he would take to the grave, and continued on her way, looking for something…someone…whatever.

Gimli, grumbling and cursing all the way, had followed his oversized, rather lumpy nose to a shop from which wonderfully enticing aromas wafted. "A-L-L-Y-O-U-C-A-R-E-T-O-E-A-T-B-U-F-F-E-T the sign read. He walked in, and was immediately greeted by a smiling, pony-tailed, fresh-faced teenage girl, wearing a pink and white striped dress that barely covered her knees, white socks, and tennis shoes. A perky little white hat was on her head, and she wore an white, frilly apron over her dress.

"Hi! Welcome to the Golden Circle Buffet! Are you here with your Mommy and Daddy?"

"Me mum and me dad were eaten by orcs."

"Oh…um…table for one then, sir?" the girl asked, blushing as she realized at the deep sound of Gimli's voice that he was an adult. Although, you'd think the beard would have given him  
away…let this be a lesson to you kids - stay in school.

Galadriel made her way to another level of the Mall, Legolas following her like a pup on the scent of a bone - sniffing and whimpering a bit when he got close enough to her, causing her  
to whip around and smack him in nose, saying "Bad puppy…bad!"

She walked past an eatery of some sort, pausing a moment as her Elven eyes caught sight of what appeared to be a Dwarf's stubby body running back and forth across a narrow bar. Bowls  
and platters of food had been laid out on the bar and Gimli (dwarves being just the right height to fit under a sneeze-guard), was busily shoving handfuls of food into his bearded mouth. He  
pulled a sack out of somewhere - Galadriel would later swear it was his ass, and considering he now heaping food into it, would hope sincerely that she was wrong.

Smirking, she strode into the restaurant, followed by Legolas, who was finally distracted from her rear end by a machine that sat in the entrance to the eatery. The square glass box held  
dozens of stuffed animals and shiny thingies, as an equally shiny steel claw hovered tantalizingly above them. Legolas stood there, with his nose pressed against the glass until Galadriel cuffed him upside the head on her way out of the door, Gimli held securely under her arm, his little stubby legs kicking madly.

"We need to find Haldir now!" Galadriel ordered. She realized that Gimli had stopped wiggling, and soon thereafter realized why…he had a most excellent view of her Wonderbra from his  
vantage point. She dropped him on the ground, and smiled as he bounced several times.

"Come on…let us go find my March Warden! I've had enough of this place…I'm bored and I want to go home…" she said, tossing her blonde mane.

Gimli looked at Legolas as Legolas watched Galadriel's ass wiggle under it's dressing of red silk, and said, "I could give her something to keep her busy, laddie…"

"Get in line, my friend…get in line," Legolas whispered back, his eyes never leaving Galadriel's hindquarters.

On their way to find Haldir, they passed a shop called Leafy Green's Sporting Goods. Legolas put a hand up to his face, trying to hide it, hoping that the brown uniformed guards would  
not recognize him as they passed.

Gimli shot the tall blonde Elf a questioning look, having seen that the entire inside of the shop was studded with arrows firmly implanted in every conceivable surface.


	12. Chapter 12 Hooters and Spencers

Legolas and Haldir's Most Excellent Adventure

Authors: the Gruesome Twosome (you know who we are...;))  
Betas: ourselves...  
Rating: S for silliness or Pg-13  
Pairings: Everyone and Haldir's ass...(makes pinching motion and kissy noises...)  
Disclaimer: if we owned Bill and Ted or LOTR, we wouldn't be writing  
fan fic...actually we probably would, only more of it, because we'd  
be rich and have lots more free time...actually, I think we wouldn't because if we owned it…it would be called a SEQUEL…or PREQUEL if you are George Lucas…  
Summary...: we are so making you guess...

Distractedly walking and turning the bar of soap over and over in his hands admiring it with awe, Aragorn rammed into someone and fell onto his hands and knees. Finally able to think again, as he'd been dazed in the fall, he was surprised to two very pretty red clad feet before him. Slowly and appreciatively he followed the milky, long legs up to a very short red silk and lace skirt that barely covered anything. He practically panted as he rose up, following the red lace to two very perky breasts and beautiful cleavage.

"AAAHHH!" He screamed jumping back as he gazed into one very pissed Galadriel.

"Are you quite through?" She tapped her foot impatiently, before tossing her hair and motioning Gimli and Legolas to follow her again. "We MUST find the others, NOW." She called behind her.

Still a little frightened by the appearance of his grandmother-in-law, Aragorn followed the drooling Legolas and Gimli cautiously.

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Haldir walked along determinedly, calling out Rufus' name every few seconds, unaware of the annoyance of the other shoppers. He also did not notice all the women following him, making pinching motions and kissy sounds at his ass, as he was too wrapped up in his quest.

He did, however, see the two women waving frantically for his attention. Motioning him over to them, they smiled coyly as he walked up. Both bounced on their tiptoes as they gazed into his baby blues, giving him an excellent view down the fronts of their…he paused for a moment to read their shirts.

"H-O-O-T-E-R-S? Hooters?" Seeing the picture of the Owl on the front, he decided it must be some kind of bird club or something. The two bleach blonde women giggled, hearing his heavily accented speech and deciding that he must be some kind of foreigner, probably from Scandinavia. Each tugged on one of his arms into the restaurant.

The big sylvan's eyes grew as wide as dinner plate, as an enormous goofy grin crossed his face.

He was in some sort of dancing girl hall or brothel. His eyes glittered like an elfling's at his Day of Majority Eve Party. The two women giggled again, as they led him to a table. One whipped out –he swore it was from her ass, and even asked to see her do it again, eager to get his hands on her- a strange skinny, cold brown bottle, glistening with condensation. He once again spelled out the words written on the side…B-U-D-W-E-I-S-E-R.

Haldir sniffed the opening of the bottle curiously, and finding that it smelled a lot like ale, he gulped it back in one gulp. Belching loudly, he wiped his mouth on the back of his sleeve. The women once again giggled, and the other ran off, bringing back several more bottles.

After his seventh bottle, he'd begun to sing bawdy elven songs teaching them to all the 'ladies' within, trying to grope them if they got near enough. Climbing clumsily on top of a table, he stood up and puffed his chest out, announcing to all that he, the March Warden of Lorien, would single handedly be willing to take on the task of aiding these women in – in what they never found out, as the silver haired elf suddenly slipped, and crashing to the floor, lay dazed for a few moments. Finally getting his bearings, he shook his head and stood up, realizing that he was majorly distracted from the task at hand. Looking around, he apologized profusely for the mess and walked out of the restaurant. He didn't see the manager yelling behind him about paying for his drinks, nor the ladies smiling wistfully after him, watching his ass jiggle till he was out of sight.

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Merry and Pippin wandered around mostly searching for snacks. For the most part, they were oblivious to the remarks from kids about munchkins and the Wizard of Oz. Finally they came to a store that had a wide variety of interesting curios displayed within. Merry, still concentrating on his stomach, reluctantly followed the excitable Pippin into the store, pausing briefly to sound out S-P-E-N-C-E-R-S…

A freaky looking guy, dressed all in black with chains hanging from different piercings on his face and his hair spiked all over the top, stopped them at the door.

"Sorry, no children. Adults only."

"WHAT! We are no children," Pippin declared hotly. Merry rolled his eyes behind his friend.

Hearing their somewhat deep voices, the guy replied, "Oh, I suppose you are a couple of midgets then." And he waved in a sputtering Pippin and annoyed Merry.

"Just wait till I tell Mr. Spencer about his workers! Don't they know hobbits when they see them?" Pippin said before he notice the interesting things all around him. "Oh, Merry, it is like Solstice…" the little hobbit's mouth hanging open in awe…

Both of sets of eyes lit up at the sight of the lava lamps, colorful liquid flowing and changing shape before their eyes. Pippin, entranced by the sight, tried to climb the lower shelves to reach the glowing lamps. Instead, he slipped and fell back against an island rack, knocking it over. Dozens of little and big boxes fell on top of him. Merry reached down and picked one up out of curiosity. Turning it over in his hands, he spelled out loud the large white letters.

"P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L M-A-S-S-A-G-E-R…" He looked around for the freaky looking guy, and finally finding him, asked him, "What is a Personal Massager?"

The guy looked at Merry like he'd grown three heads while Pippin crawled out of the mess and became distracted by the squishy eye-ball key changes and rubber dog poo.

"Uh, your use it to massage your sore muscles," the guy answered quickly. Merry looked down at the shiny smooth pink object still in its box.

"Can I try it?"

The guy curled his lip and wrinkled his nose in a weirded out expression. "Uh…"

"My neck is mighty sore, and I just want to see how it works…"

"Uh, sure little dude, just put it back in the box when you are through, so I don't get in trouble…" He then put as much distance between him and the short freaks.

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Haldir passed the stores, searching for his companions and Rufus, still dizzy from his fall and all the beers. He had to do a double take as he passed one store, not sure he believed what he saw.

But it was…

Merry was standing in the middle of the store, rubbing his neck with some strangely phallic pink object that vibrated. Pippin was not far from his, sitting on some kind of a cushion, which let out a loud flatulence noise. Then standing up, he would blow it up and sit on it again. The hobbit giggled delightedly each time he did it.

Both stopped and dropped their items, once they saw Haldir watching them.

"HALDIR! We've been looking for you everywhere!" They jumped into his arms.

The pierced guy approached them. "These your kids?" He indicated the two hobbits in Haldir's arms.

"Are you kidding," Haldir said in shock. "Hell no!" He not-so-gently placed the hobbits on the ground, and stomped off in a huff, the two not far behind him.

"Where are we going, Hal?" Piped up Pippin.

"Don't call me that," growled Haldir.

"Where are we going, Haldir…" asked Merry.

"To find our way out of this damned place…" Haldir paused before he could finish his thought, as Galadriel stood before him. "Mommy," he whimpered, his legs turning to mush at the sight of her in red…


End file.
